An Article by Dr Charmaine Saunders

Charmaine is a "Counsellor and Author" in psychology who has over the years developed a warm, relaxed, practical style of counselling that has helped thousands of people to resolve their personal issues in a positive way.  Her main areas of therapy are stress management, relationships, self-esteem, personal growth, sexuality, wellbeing and positive thinking.  She has worked extensively with singles and teaches a course for UWA extension on ‘living the single life’.

You may have heard the name Charmaine Saunders as she writes columns and articles for magazines such as Family Circle, Cleo, My Romance Story, Nova Magazine, New Idea and weekly for The West Australian on dreams and the ‘Dear Charmaine’ column.

If you have recently come out of a relationship

Letting go is one of the most difficult things for human beings to do.  When our feelings are hurt, when we feel betrayed or let-down, the mind can really latch onto the idea of failure and begin to play a recurring negative tune which eventually drowns out hope, joy and confidence.  This can trigger all our insecurities and moving on becomes very difficult.  Why do we get stuck in negative grooves and how do we move on from hurtful experiences?

Why:

Poor self-esteem / lack of confidence
People with healthy self-esteem don’t get devastated by disappointments or floored by perceived rejection.  Lack of self-value causes us to feel every slight in a deeply personal way and see offence when even none is meant.  Being ‘dumped’ is painful but how we deal with it will depend on our general attitude to life.

Lack of self-acceptance
Finding fault with ourselves makes us expect that same treatment from others.  It’s hard to let others love us if we don’t love ourselves or see ourselves as worthy of love.

Unrealistic expectations/idealism.
Love is a two-way exchange.  If you get ‘dumped’ by someone who never said they loved you in the first place, you have caused that pain to yourself by pinning your hopes on a situation that wasn’t real.  Also, if you have a romantic view of love or notions of a perfect partner, the relationship can only end in pain and disappointment.

Your own history and background/old patterns of thinking.
This can have a big impact eg. feeling conditionally loved as a child or having past rejections from friends or lovers.

Feelings of powerlessness.
Not having a choice over the break-up of a relationship can cause deep-seated anger and frustration.

Social conditioning and family/peer pressures.
Society views relationship breakdown as failure; therefore, it’s easy to feel humiliated and embarrassed by a partner or lover leaving us.

Insecurity/dependence.
Placing too much importance on the opinions of others and looking to them for feelings of value and approval.  Those who rely on the love of a partner for self-esteem, social standing or financial/emotional security will be far more likely to feel ‘stuck’ after a break-up.

Fear and anxiety.
It’s easy to believe that if one person stops loving you, others in the future will too.  Worry is one of the greatest causes of negative thinking and is born of allowing fear to take over.

How To Move On: 

Never place all your hopes and dreams in one place.
Have a variety of friends and interests in your life always so that moving on can be done with the help of a network of loving supporters.

Nurture yourself and don’t look to others to fulfil your needs.
In times of crisis, take time out to grieve/heal and care for yourself as you would a hurting friend.  Take long baths, buy yourself some new clothes, have a facial.

Forgiveness.
You cannot move on without resolving the past which includes forgiving and if possible, forgetting – but only forget the hurt, not the lessons gained.  Let go of what you think you did wrong but try to find something positive in the relationship itself.  Vow not to repeat the same mistakes and hang onto the good times and happy memories.

Detachment from negative ideas.
Such as fault, blame and guilt.  If you start to negative self-talk and chatter, gently chide yourself and place a positive thought in its place.  Use techniques to calm your mind such as meditation, saying affirmations or enjoyable exercise.
   
Stay involved.
Dare to join a dinner club, go to picnics, the theatre, take classes or courses.  Meet new friends, go out to dinner even if you don’t feel like it.  Rediscover yourself and have some space for yourself.

New identity.
Life is constantly growing and changing and we can choose to develop with these various stages of life.  Have more time for yourself, choices and new challenges, personal growth more scope in your social life.

Rediscover yourself.
Revisit the meaning of intimacy and get away from limitation, reflect a new identity that can be explored when a major life-change occurs.

Stay positive.
Don’t complain about the lack of romantic interest in your life, get out there and make an effort to change the situation.  Cynical vibes are contagious and you’ll only attract people who are bitter and frustrated by life which are hardly suitable companions for a new start in life.

Social network.
Social needs are sometimes the most frustrating for reasons such as knowing the best places to go to, getting a friend to accompany you, organising outings, building up a social network, dating again after years of marriage or being alone.

Tips for being single in Perth

Be proud, enjoy the journey whether it’s short, long, by choice or forced on you.  Stay positive and involved with people.  If you’ve come out of a relationship you might need time to grieve and heal for a while, when you’re ready start going out again, don’t let pride stand in your way of accepting invitations, go for it.  Remember love often taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it, so be ready. 

Don’t accept second best, hold out for what you really want in a relationship.  Never, never come from need when seeking a partner.  Hold onto your completeness and you’ll meet another complete person, not someone who expects you to fulfil their needs.  Never say never, always be open to life’s opportunities. 

Become a joiner, seek out groups that allow you to share common interests, learn more about yourself and being single. Think of being single as an adventure.  Being pushed out of your comfort zone is scary but also exhilarating and liberating.  Life will always throw up demands of all kinds and challenges to us.  It’s your choice how you deal with them and whether they end up being a negative or positive force in your life.  Learning to move on in a way that is positive and self-loving means the difference between being one of life’s victims or being the best kind of survivor.